Jesus’ Underwear Found

kinnon —  February 27, 2007 — 3 Comments

(New York, February 27, 2007) James Cameron and Simcha Jacobovici, responding to apparent negative reaction to their Discovery Channel Jesus Family Tomb program, have brought out what they believe to be further proof of their claims – Jesus’ underwear. Appearing with former CBS anchorman, Dan Rather, Cameron and Jacobovici revealed a box they say contains the linen ephod Jesus was wearing the day of his crucifixion.

Standing in front of the fabric draped box, Cameron stated; “Those of you who’ve seen Gibson’s Passion film know that the Roman guards drew lots for Jesus’ underwear. What Gibson didn’t tell you was the truth of what happened to it.”

“After extensive research using the latest technology developed by the guys who worked with me on Titanic, we have proven conclusively that not only is this the so called linen ephod that Jesus wore that day – but, in fact, it was the very garment the Roman guards gave back to Jesus when they took him off the cross – after everyone thought he was dead.”

With a dramatic flourish, Cameron jerked off the fabric covering the box. The assembled news people gasped.

Katie Couric, Rather’s CBS replacement was the first to respond. “Ah, gentlemen, excuse me. But isn’t that a Macy’s box.”

Dan Rather, his stentorian tones revealing a little more of his once prominent Texas accent replied, “Katie, I’m not sure what you’re getting at. Of course this isn’t a Macy’s box. How ludicrous!”

“Well, Dan” Katie parried, “why does the box say Macy’s on the side of it.”

Jacobovici, in heavily accented English, angrily replied, “Mrs. Couric, please. To the untrained eye, you think you see the word Macy’s. But, in true fact this is ancient Aramaic script that means, Jesus’ underwear.”

The rest of news people seemed to gain their voices. “Looks like a cardboard box to me.” “I don’t think there was cardboard in Jesus’ time, was there?” “What’s inside?” “Yah, what’s inside?”

Cameron quickly removed the top from the box revealing what appeared to be linen cloth – with a rather large red stain on it. The assembled news people pushed forward. “Behold, the linen ephod, ” Cameron yelled. “Advanced DNA testing proves the red stain is the blood of a Semite. Jesus was a Semite. Thus we have concluded, this was Jesus blood.”

Worming his way to the front of the pushing news folk, Fox News’ Shepard Smith looked inside, exclaiming, “Hey, there’s a note inside.” He grabbed it. “It says, ‘Hey, Jimmy, sorry for the stain. Hope you can get the Merlot out. Best, Arnold.'”

“Fools!” Jacobovici screamed, “To your untrained eye you think that note is in English. It is also ancient Aramaic. Written by Jesus son, Jude. It says, ‘This is what my Dad was wearing the day they thought he was killed. Keep it safe.’ Anyone properly trained can see it is signed, Jude.”

Dan Rather raised his hands like some ancient prophet, attempting to quiet the crowd. “It pains me to think that you, my fellow American journalists, would question my integrity and that of Academy Award winner, James Cameron. Not to say, the world renowned and self-taught archeologist, Sacha Baron Jacobovici…” An aide quickly whispered in Rather’s ear. “Ahh…Simcha Jacobovici,” the former CBS announcer corrected, “These fine men have spent hundreds of thousands of their own dollars proving that Jesus lived to a ripe old age, married to Mary Magdalene and that his progeny live on.You are nothing but a bunch of doubting Thomases.”

With that, Rather grabbed the box and quickly left the event – Cameron and Jacobovici in tow.

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A television editor, writer & director since 1978. A Christian since 1982. More than a little frustrated with the Church in the West since late in the last millennium.

3 responses to Jesus’ Underwear Found

  1. I talked with some friends at Youth for Christ today.

    They said they’re going to keep the doors open, for now, at least until the Cameron thing airs the definitive proof they’ve been wasting their time. After all, it’s James Cameron.

  2. Here we go again, I think this was a great story, is it real? I know this, I am a Christian and believe in Jesus. History shows that many people have different opinions back when Jesus walked the earth as do the people that have opinions today. I will say this, we shall never forget!! Jesus was stoned, spat on and whipped, but is there any change from what the Romans and the rich did back then to What they do today? Think about it, NO!! If you believe in who ever you worship, it’s choice. Put Jesus Christ in your heart and life and walk tall with his love. Don’t believe in higher educators that only chose to fill their minds with knowledge and their pockets with money, believe in your choice and views. That is the only thing that matters.


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