Purple-Prosed, Baby-Littered, Shark-Jumped Blogdom

kinnon —  May 12, 2009 — 16 Comments

I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.


I’m so sorry.

That was my teapot.

It momentarily hijacked this blog.

‘Twould seem it’s still recovering from the latest tempest that engaled it’s innards. But at least the chai-stained vessel had the good taste to borrow a line from the late Paddy Chayefsky in expressing its outrage. (Why is it that when people are dead we call them late. I know lots of late people who are very much alive.)

But enough of mildly-ineffective, caffeine-delivery devices. Let’s talk about something more interesting. Me.

I took a cheap shot yesterday. At least that’s the opinion of my dear friend, S. Knight Blogmailian – who holds me in the highest regard, of course.

A little background. Out of Ur.

Need I say more?



I do.

Need to.

Say more.

That is.

In my not humble but accurate opinion (a line unceremoniously ripped from the lips of that Piper-peeving, New Perspective on Paul preaching, Panic at the Disco listening, head pastor of the Bishopric of Durham, Nicholas Tom (Almost Always) Wright – and I doubt he listens to P-at-the-D, I just used them for meter), Out of Ur is all about page views. More pages, more filthy lucre from ads that envelop their Out of Url page like the visual diarrhea of a Vegas street scape. (I guess that ends any chances of me ever being a guest writer there, eh. Oh well. Life goes on. But maybe I could still sell them Missional Tribe or shape some form of partnership, at least. The rest of the ‘gators might not be happy, though.)

What better way to generate page views than to scour the purple-prosed corners of Christian blogdom for the latest miniburst of rage. Yesterday, it was village-emerged TJ Bookwriter and his marvelous upset at how badly a future president (or at least that’s what the young man’s name would suggest) had been treated in being denied ordination by the PCUSA. (I thought they were bankrupt. No. Wait. That’s CompUSA. You can understand my confusion. Oh. BTW. The young, future president clarified in the comments that he was only having some difficulty in the process – he hadn’t been outright denied ordination. Doesn’t that kinda wreck the whole story. But. I digress.)

In the midst of that outrage, TJ Bookwriter apparently wrote how in his church, which is called Absalom’s Back Deck or something like that, they ordained everyone and anyone. Even Chauncey Gardiner.

I found this confusing. If they held ordination in such low estate that anyone could be so dained, shouldn’t TJB have been pissed with the future president for deigning to seek such recognition. Rather than being ticked with CompUSA for denying the future president his mess of pottage, er, rightful blessing.

True hipsters that they are, Out of Ur asked whether “Denominational Ordination had jumped the Shark?” What a killer turn of phrase, “jumped the Shark.” (To those of you confused by the etymology of the phrase, it’s what happens when Ron Howard leaves a ’70’s hit TV show and begins directing bad films that attack the Catholic church, while leaving Henry Winkler, who kinda looks like he could be Tom Hanks’ brother, to carry the show on his own.)

Cheap shot artiste that I am, with tongue planted firmly in cheek (which made it difficult to talk on that phone whilst composing my response), I asked whether it was Brother TJ who had jumped said Shark. (Hey, I loved TJ in that series with Heather Locklear Trucker Frank.) I was totally offended that only one person took umbrage. The aforementioned S. Knight Blogmailian.

For is that not what blogdom is all about. At least the Christian wing of the floating pixel universe. UIUO – Umbrage In, Umbrage Out. In our Everything-Must-Changeβ„’ microworld of blogdom, our garden littered with bath-soaked babies and the stinking carcasses of sacred cows, where would we be without our umbrage.

Come on, common people. Follow my teapot. More tempests. Or at least miniscule facsimiles thereof.



A television editor, writer & director since 1978. A Christian since 1982. More than a little frustrated with the Church in the West since late in the last millennium.

16 responses to Purple-Prosed, Baby-Littered, Shark-Jumped Blogdom

  1. And here I thought Umbrage was a horrible teacher at Hogwarts. But it turns out we can have umbrage at a blog too? Neat-o.

    I’m in … or is it out?

    With all the conversation about innies and outies lately I can’t keep track of that either.

  2. My dear ‘gator, Sonja. This is a body-part free zone @ kinnon.tv. We shall have no more references to belly buttons, please or I will be forced to take umbrage.

    BTW. In the next Harry Potter book, Harry finally leaves Hogwarts, renounces witchcraft, joins a jonny baker worship trick inspired church and, wait for it, becomes a potter – his one true identity.

  3. I want some of whatever you’ve been drinking lately. πŸ™‚

  4. Grace, I believe he said he’s drinking tea. πŸ˜‰ [snicker]

  5. At least, he calls it “tea”… πŸ™‚

  6. bill, you got one odd sense of humor or hubris or just ornerni-ness

  7. Bill, you’re brilliant.

    Thanks for the hope and the smiles.


  8. I totally love you when you’re like this.

  9. I feel like this with all the blogs going over to beliefnet too. At least it’s not Christian monopoly there.

  10. But if we defrock Bishop Pike, think how much publicity we’ll lose!

  11. Grace, Sonja and RobbyMac,
    When I teach in Kenya, we get two Chai breaks a day. Chai in Nairobi is boiled milk, lots and lots of sugar and tea leaves. I think it’s the sugar that gets me going. πŸ™‚

    It’s true. I have an ornery hubris problem. But. Fortunately. I have people like you who are at a much more advanced level of the Christian life able to drop by every now and again and point it out to me. What would I ever do without people like you and S. Knight Blogmailian. Maybe someday I can grow up to be an innie like you. (And no, Sonja, no body parts are being mentioned here.)

    As one of your biggest fans (but I am down about 20 lbs), coming from you, that means a lot! And people really do need to click on the link and subscribe to your blog. You are one of the finest writers available in blogdom.

    With your life as busy at is right now, I’m shocked you have time to visit any blogs. (Congrats to Clay and Taylor, BTW.) Especially now that baseball season has started. Thanks for the props. Means a lot to me.

    I’m probably just mad that no one has asked me to join their innie club. (Oh, and Sonja, yes mine is an innie but we are not supposed to talk about that on this here blog.)

    “Bishopric” not Bishop Pike! (Your comment is very amusing.)

  12. dan macdonald May 13, 2009 at 11:31 am

    Unfortunately, as much as I think this post is funny, I am lost. The problem with your blogs, Bill, is that I need to have read all these other blogs pretty thoroughly to get your points. Too much work for a lazy butt like me. I have become an outie to your blog; alas.


  13. Dannymac,
    ‘Tis kinda the point of this mini-essay. The navel-gazing (there we go again, Sonja) of the blogosphere used to generate page views and keep up page ranking. Though reading the Out of Ur piece would get you up to speed pretty much with the story that triggered the missive.

  14. Since we’re creating a loop of blogdom self-referentiality, look at me! look at me! I have some thoughts on this too.

    They’re not nearly as funny as yours, though.

  15. Nefarious HTML…not working! Here ya go: link to zoecarnate.wordpress.com

  16. I feel sorry for Adam. But what he is experiencing isn’t the system, but the people who abuse the system. And to make this a bigger deal to win points for one’s chosen denominational preference is unfortunately.

    Do I really have to say this? There are no perfect churches. No perfect call systems. No perfect denominations or church organizing methodologies. It doesn’t matter if you are the Pope or the scion of a home church, all are flawed, and must deal with issues of authenticity and accountability.

    The problem for Adam is that those who created a cause celebre out of him may well have made it much more difficult for him to get ordained. Such is the well-meaning, misguided righteous anger that only makes matters worse. Before we start throwing rocks at the other guys, we should maybe pause and consider the damage our actions will cause.


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