Archives For Humour

Rumour has it, if one follows Warren Throckmorton @ Patheos, that celebrity pastor, Mark Driscoll and his team of occasionally competent researchers, ghost writers and editors, has a new book coming out from passive-aggressive publisher, Tyndale House. (Not to be confused in any way, with non-passive-aggressive Tyndale House in Cambridge, UK.)

Driscoll & Co.’s new book is apparently called “The Problem with Christianity.”

MeWhich reminded me of the famous GK Chesterton story of when The Times asked a number of writers the question, “What is wrong with the world?” and GKC’s rather perfect response was “I am.”

Perhaps Driscoll and Co. will surprise us all with a book that won’t require grand research or worries of proper attribution — because, when one opens to Page 1 of the new Tyndale House book from New York Times best-selling author, Mark Driscoll, the reader will discover the book has a single word response to its title, The Problem with Christianity — “Me.”

One Ed to Rule Them All

kinnon —  May 17, 2012 — 12 Comments

As I look back on my over half-century of existence I note a number of Eds in my life.

The first, from my childhood, the dreaded Phys… Phys Ed, that is. Though tall for my age, I was almost a year younger than most of my class confreres and my co-ordination so reflected. Phys Ed is not a name I remember fondly.

And then there was Drivers’ Ed. I believed Mr. Drivers’ Ed when he told me, “You do know they will fail you for going too slowly, don’t you?” So, after taking his advice to heart, I guess I was a little shocked when I failed my license the first time.

Mr. Kinnon, your son handles the car very well but he does 30 MPH everywhere. Around corners. In reverse. Through a school zone. Twice.”

My adult life was not particularly Ed-free, but I didn’t really become concious of the plethora of Eds until I entered the wonderful world of blogdom. (I’ll leave E.D. out of the discussion, if you don’t mind. Though the final Ed might bring it up as is his wont.)

My friend, Ed Brenegar was an early blogging comrade. A consultant to both church and business, Ed is one of the good guys.

Ed Cyzewski was next up in the pantheon of Eds. Introduced via his Coffeehouse Theology book, I’ve come to enjoy Ed’s writings at In A Mirror Dimly.

And then there’s Ed Stetzer. Missiologist, Church Planter, Researcher, Author and more. He even has his own Wikipedia page. With a double doctorate, and double Masters degrees one might expect Ed to be more than a little intimidating. But dang it, he’s just a very nice guy. (Though you won’t catch me arguing with him… much.)

But all these Eds, as wonderful as they are (except Phys of course) pale in comparison to the one ED.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemensch.

Give it up for, ED YOUNG JUNIOR!

Ed Young Pastor Fashion

Go to any Christian dictionary and right beside the word AWESOME, you’re going to see a picture of ED YOUNG JUNIOR with his big, shi… err… pearly-white grin.

And it’s not ’cuz ED YOUNG JUNIOR is the Senior Pastor of Fellowship Baptist Church Grapevine TX and all its many satellites. It’s not ’cuz he is MR CREATIVE PASTOR. It’s not ’cuz he has the coolest French-made jet (that most of his parishioners knew not about until some nasty TV station broke the story). It’s not ’cuz he tried to spend 24 hours on the roof of his church in bed with his wife. (Where I’m sure he would have talked about E.D. had he had the chance.)

Nope! What makes ED YOUNG JUNIOR the mostest, awesomest ED ever… Pastor Fashion.

PURE.

BRILLIANCE.

I don’t know about you, but most of the Pastors I know just aren’t the kind of fashion plates for the Kingdom they could be. (Yes Toronto Pastors Darryl Dash, Dan MacDonald and Barry Parker – I AM looking at you. Come on guys. Spend a little time at Pastor Fashion. It’ll do the rest of our eyeballs good. And Hyatt and Fitch. I’m not even going to bring you Americans up. Oh. Wait. I just did.)

ED YOUNG JUNIOR goes where lesser Eds fear to tread.

Yup.

Spanx!

Forget those fad diets that leave you craving a Cheesburger, Fries and a Coke at 11pm most nights. Spanx will give you the kind of control you’ve been missing. (Please note: This is not to be construed as medical advice. Consult your doctor before getting spanxed. Void where prohibited by law. Your mileage may vary. Batteries are included – from ED YOUNG JUNIOR, of course.)

And so to the Lessor Eds. Since the odds of you ever being as AWESOME as ED YOUNG JUNIOR, we kindly ask that you stop referring to yourselves as Ed.

Edward, Eddie, Edster, Edit, even Ward are fine.

But WITH ONE ED TO RULE THEM ALL, we’d really rather you not to try to confuse us by using ED YOUNG JUNIOR’s first name.

Man, I just love this American Christianity thing!!!

ANewPostAtMyBlog1

As I once again step up to the blog microphone and begin to infest the interwebs with my fevered ideas let me first clear something up.

They are called BLOG POSTS. If you want to shorten the phrase – then they are POSTS.

Your BLOG is the site where you publish your POSTS.

If you’ve written a new BLOG then it means you’ve created a new site for the display of your great (or is that GR8) wisdom.

Perhaps it will help to understand the etymology of the word: BLOG. it is the short form of the original WEB LOG or WEBLOG.

OK.

Comprendé?

Then.

As you were.

3D-Merry-Christmas

UPDATE: And we thought I was kidding. (Thanks to Jamie for the link.)

It was before sunrise on November the 1st. All Saints Day. A rather appropriate day for my birthday. At least, so I've always thought.

Mcdonalds-logo I was sitting in a McDonald's in a Northern Chicago 'burb. Dave Fitch had brought me there for a very early-morning birthday breakfast. It's where he spends many of his before-sunrise mornings. Working on his writing. Drinking McD's coffee. Chatting with a bunch a guys about hockey, and Max's need for new skates and asking "who has Bob's sports section."

He got up to chat with the guys while I was fiddling with my Sony PCM-M10 audio recorder – trying to get it ready so I could shoot a brief comment of Fitch talking about something or other missional. The camera was ready to go.

"Are you Brad Kinnon?"

I looked up to see this nicely dressed guy, in a stylishly long leather jacket, black turtle neck and black jeans. His aviator shades were in his hair. He was looking at me in a rather discomfiting manner.

"Ahh, actually it's Bill. Bill Kinnon."

"Right, right. You're that blogger guy, kinnon dot tv, right."

I'm sure I saw a microexpression of disgust and then anger momentarily animate his smiling face. But perhaps I've read too much Paul Ekman or watched too many episodes of Lie to Me.

He and his McDonald's coffee sat down across from me, uninvited, in Dave's seat.

Dave could be heard in the near distance talking about the Blackhawks' defeat of the Leafs and how, if Hamilton had a team, perhaps they'd be Stanley Cup contenders. And if the Hamilton Ti-Cats made the Canadian Football League playoffs, he was going to spend Thanksgiving in Canada watching the Grey Cup.

Thinking this could be interesting (leather-coat guy, rather than Fitch), I hit record on the little Sony. What follows is a transcription of sorts.

He didn't offer his hand as he said, "I'm L.S Clivenot. But people call me Jim. I'm the Creative Visioncaster and Media Guru of Bestis MegaChurch, Evah, Indianna."

"Bestis MegaChurch?!"

"I'm surprised you don't know us. We're one of the biggest MegaChurchs in Indianna. Evah's a suburb of Gary. We're on Bestis Street."

"I'm a Canadian. Perhaps I'm not as tuned into the latest and greatest megachurches."

"Well, that would seem obvious from the few times I've read your blog." There was that disgust microexpression again. "You just don't seem to get the powerful impact megachurchs have on this great nation of ours. "

He was right about that. "Well, I…"

But this was a monologue, not a dialogue.

"We've just opened our new 100 million dollar facility. It will blow your mind. We've taken megachurch design to a whole new level. I was here in Chi-town this weekend bragg…ahh, telling a bunch of megachurch creatives about it."

"Yes, well…" At least I tried to interact.

"We didn't waste money on a better-than-Broadway stage. Too smart, too cutting edge for that. We put in a state-of-the-art 3D projection system and huge screen. Every one of our 5,000 reclining seats has a perfect 3D view of that screen."

"Wow…"

"Better than 'Wow', man. We built one of the finest soundstages ever – right behind the huge screen. With multiple studios, small green-screen ones, a big one for major productions. All shot with 3D cameras. Like I said. It will blow your mind."

"Gee…"

"Ever seat has it's own case with the finest 3D ground-optics glasses in those cases. Of course, we have RFID tags on each pair. Anyone tries to steal 'em and the alarms go off."

"That sounds kind of…"

"…smart. You're right. And the really cool thing is we got one of the top movie trailer voice-over guys to do our every-service opening. [He became Mr. Voice-over Guy right in front of me.] 'WELCOME TO BESTIS MEGACHURCH, EVAH, INDIANNA. PLEASE PUT ON YOUR 3D GLASSES FOR THE BESTIS EXPERIENCE.' And then he goes on to tell them to put the glasses back in the case when the experience ends."

"Don't people…"

"..love it. Do they ever. When the pastor picks up his bible at the beginning of the service and shakes it at them, they almost all duck. Of course, he only picks up the Bible once. We wouldn't want to scare people too much, now would we."

"You mean the Pastor preaches from a soundstage?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't he? We can put him in any environment he wants. Last week he preached from the surface of Jupiter. Out of this world, man! And then, at the end of every service, the Pastor walks out in front of the screen to wrap things up. Oh. And he reminds people to put their 3D glasses back in the cases."

"Right, but…"

"No buts, man. Just butts in every chair. And the cool thing, it's gonna make satellite churches really easy to setup. And if the Pastor only wants to do one service… we have three… we just playback a pre-record. As long as he still comes out from behind the curtain, ahh, the screen – no one knows it wasn't live."

"No one…"

"And you won't believe our Holiday Season Event this year. Me and my team have created a whole new Narnia story. We call it, Narnia & the Evil Penguins."

"NARNIA & THE EVIL PENGUINS!??"

"With Voyage of the Dawntreader coming out, we figured what better way to capitalize on it and get people into our Holiday Season Events. We've set it in the Chicago Zoo. That's the biggest and best zoo around. It's kind of the story of Aslan's birth – he's born the King of the Zoos. His mother is Mari, the Lioness. The Joseph part is played by Tony the Tiger. A little corporate sponsorship to defray some of the costs, you know."

"But what about Lewis' storytelling…"

"Yah, right. I saw an illegal torrent of Dawntreader, man. Eustace is the hero. He's the one who saves everybody in the end. A little creative license never hurt anyone."

"You've got to be…"

"…excited. You bet. It's going to be great. The penguins are lead by Harrad, the Warrior Penguin. He thinks he's the King of the Zoos. The penguins scheme to kill baby Aslan after they hear of his birth from the three magicians. We're using a flame-eater, a sword-swallower and a third guy dressed up as a clown."

"Penguins?" I was still in shock.

"It's great. We've even worked in Lyle Lovett's Penguins song. It'll be a real crowd pleaser. Harrad's wife sings it. She's a chinchilla in this story. And then we have this kids' choir who are supposedly touring the zoo when the Angel Clarence shows up and does that whole 'behold' thing. The kids go running to the Lion cage."

"Cage?"

"It's a zoo, man. But trust me, it all makes sense. So. When the kids get to the cage, Mari stands and begins to sing the perfect song."

"And let me guess, the perfect song is…"

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow. It's so beautiful man. Mari is played by this gorgeous Mezzo-Soprano, who looks fabulous in lion-skin."

"Somewhere…?"

"The kids choir joins her on Somewhere and it'll send chills up your spine. And while they're all singing – Warrior Penguin King Harrad and his Penguin horde attack. What's so cool is we got that dwar…ahh, little guy who was in Prince Caspian to play Harrad, Peter Dinklage."

"He was great in The Station Agent. But how could you possibly afford him for your production?" I finally got two sentences in, back to back.

"We flew him in for a day. On the wideshots you can't tell it isn't him. And we go to playback for his closeups. You could never do this with a stage production. Trust me."

I didn't know what to interject as he continued, "…so, the Penguin horde is on the attack but as they approach they hear Mari's song."

"Another song? After Somewhere?"

"No, no. She's still singing Somewhere. It's a powerful tune. And it touches Harrad's heart. He realizes the evil of his ways. When I wrote his monologue, it even made me cry, man."

"I'm sure I'd cry, as well." He couldn't read my microexpression as he stared right through me, picturing his wondrous prose.

"And the ending is fabulous. Baby Aslan morphs into this full grown lion. He grabs a guitar and leads the entire cast in that killer Sting song, If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free. He even hoists Harrad onto his shoulders at one point. We had a few tech challenges their, I'm telling you."

"But, the cage…"

"Oh, right. When Aslan morphs to full grown, the cage opens magically. It's part of the whole 'goodness frees you' theme of the Holiday Event. We get the Angel Clarence to explain that at one point."

"And the whole production stage piece ends with Aslan's amazing guitar solo as the entire cast comes out in front of the screen and leads the audience in the closing song."

"Let me guess. Silent Night, right?"

"Man, you really are stuck in a traditional mindset, aren't you. It's no wonder you don't get megachurches. Of course not."

"The Pastor's a real Train fan. And he plays the ukelele. I rewrote the lyrics to Hey, Soul Sister. Called it Hey, Soul Lover. Absolutely Killer! Brings the house down. Guaranteed. [And he began to sing] Hey, Soul Lover, Ain't that Aslan's mother on the…"

At that very point Fitch reappeared at the table, further proving there is a God. Fitch's expression wasn't micro. He wanted his seat back.

Clivenot stopped singing as he looked up at Fitch. He immediately got Dave's look after ignoring all of mine. "I guess I'm in your seat. Sorry, man. Hey. Aren't you Jarred Fitch. I heard that Moody Radio thing you did with Scot McKnight on…"

But Fitch cut him off. In his best, unintended Jack Nicholson impersonation, "I'm really sorry, man. My name's not Jarred and I've got a lot of work to do here."

"At McDonald's?" Clivenot responded. Fitch just looked at him and that was enough to send Clivenot on his way.

He looked back over his shoulder, as he headed for the door. "Hey, Brad, " he called loudly, "I don't want to read about this conversation on your blog, ok."

 

For those really troubling scriptural passages:

SprayBottle-Labelled-flat

It’s true. Photo evidence below. More comments after the photo.

NakedPastoronCoffeeTable.jpg

David Hayward’s book of his great cartoons arrived a few weeks back and I’ve been remiss in blogging about it. It has provoked much conversation around the Kinnon coffee table – and that alone makes it a smart purchase.

Some might be tempted to call David a cynic. They would be wrong.

His cartoons reveal the humour and the pathos in what we call the church. Some of them make me laugh out loud. Others make me acknowledge my own pain. A number make me angry – but many more help me understand that anger.

This will make a very good Christmas present for anyone who has spent significant time in the church. Buy early. Buy often.

DH-Bear-Girl-TeddyBear-1.jpg

You might also consider David’s original artwork, also available from his site.

The one on the right, of the girl holding a Teddy Bear and showing it to a rather large bear is one of my favourites.

Clicking on the picture will take you to a much larger version of it – where you can purchase a print if you so desire.

You can view more of David’s artwork here – including much more of his fine art.

THE Missional Secret Sauce

kinnon —  November 9, 2010 — 4 Comments

Because the Missional Market demanded it, our missional minions have produced it.

Just what you’ve been waiting for:

MissionalSecretSauce4web

Add a little to whatever you’re cooking up, AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

UPDATE: Lesslie Newbigin

A Book by a NakedPastor

kinnon —  October 1, 2010 — 1 Comment

NakedPastor101-book.jpg

My friend, David Hayward has published his first book of his wonder-filled comics. (Sometimes the wonder is truly wondrous, other times incredulous but David’s cartoons are always thought-provoking… and some times tears provoking – whether from laughter or from David shining light on the evil within us all.)

Imbi said to me last night, “We need to immediately order a copy of David’s book” when she saw his note about it on Facebook. I’m thinking we need to order more than one.

This is what I offered as an endorsement,

Humour. Pathos. The ugly and the beautiful. David’s unique gift exposes the joy and the pain in a God-centered life.

Others have said this,

David Hayward does what cartoonists do best: he makes you laugh, gets you on side, and then catches you unawares with a challenging thought that comes at you sideways. Unmissable!Maggi Dawn

“His work is raw, honest and intelligent.Jon Birch

Ever since I stumbled upon David’s cartoons, I’ve been hooked.Hemant Mehta

Through nakedpastor’s cartoons, I’ve been able to join other broken buddies as we pray and play on the fringes of the faith. By deconstructing the mounds of Jesus junk, we can catch fleeting glimpses of God.Becky Garrison

David’s cartoon’s are often funny, sometimes sad, always honest. I think of them as political cartoons that aren’t about politics: they express a longing or a frustration or challenge to think in a new way.Mark Oestreicher

Buy early. Buy often. They’ll make great gifts alongside any turkey – whether at Canadian Thanksgiving, All Hallows Eve, American Thanksgiving or Xmas.

ASIDE: After my announcement that I was back to serious blogging in early September, physical challenges prevented that happening. I fractured my tailbone in a fall in late August and it would appear – according to a recent chiropractic visit – that I also managed to give myself whiplash in said fall. Any typing (other than about 140 characters) has been far too painful. However, with the work of an incredibly gifted physio therapist (physical therapist to you Yanks) and a chiro, I appear to be on the mend.

I was scanning Twitter yesterday morning as I prepared to head off to St. Paul’s for the 11am service when I stopped my scan on this Tweet:

Preaching Luke 8 where Jesus ministry grows so large his own family can’t get an appt. Myth Jesus was more accessible than today’s pastor. [from @pastormark]

Now I, for one, would suggest it might be a tad dangerous to compare your ministry to that of Jesus, but since @pastormark opened the door, I think I may just step through it.

Let’s begin with the presenting 137 character symptom. Jesus’ mother and brothers “can’t get an appointment.” Actually, if you read some of the background in Mark 3, you’ll note that Mary and Jesus’ brothers thought he’d lost his mind and were attempting to take “charge of him.” But @pastormark appears to be responding to the criticism that people think Jesus “was more accessible than today’s pastor” and says that’s not true because Jesus ministry had grown “so large” not even his blood relatives could get near him. Therefore, since @pastormark has a big ministry like Jesus, people should not expect him to be accessible. Not even his mother and brothers. Even if they think he’s nuts.

Alrighty then.

If you big ministry guys are going to use Jesus as your model for ministry, I have a few questions. (Actually, I have lots of questions, but I’m only going to ask a few. Because I know how busy you are avoiding appointment requests from your mother and brothers.)

Question-Mark-02.jpg

BUILDINGS: The first one would be around buildings. Jesus didn’t have one. Well. That’s actually not true. The Temple was his Father’s but he just didn’t use it. Why not? Why didn’t he just set up there and have the crowds come to him? Think of the ministry he could have built right there in the place of peace – Jerusalem. People would have come from miles around to hear him preach. Think of the healing services he could have led.

MULTI-SITE: And think of the multi-site opportunities. Now, I recognize the technology was not in place to project Jesus onto screens in synagogues throughout Israel but this was the Man who walked on water, God Incarnate. Nothing was too hard for him. But. If he wasn’t comfortable showing his power by doing that, he could have hired Scribes to write down his words and hired assistants to preach them in the other locations the next Sabbath or Wednesday night. So, why didn’t he?

MONEY: With his gifting, think of the kind of money he could have raised from his growing audience congregation. Tithes and offerings would have been HUGE, don’t you think? Especially with his healing gifts. But I can’t find anywhere in the New Testament where Jesus got into truly effective fund-raising. Why not?

MEDIA MINISTRY: Where are the people planning the events? Jesus arrives at the well in Samaria and only meets ONE WOMAN. What’s with that? Where was the advance team? Where are the marketing pros getting the Jesus message out in advance? Where’s the drama team preparing to illustrate the message? Where are the graphic folk making the story-telling banners? Nowhere to be found in the New Testament. Must be an oversight.

MUSIC MINISTRY: Where are his minstrels? The Temple was known for killer horn players, harpists, lutists and percussionists. But Jesus didn’t have any on his team? And even if he refused to use the Temple, the minstrels would have helped him draw a crowd as he wandered the highways and byways of the Middle East, right!? They could have set their Jesus-promoting lyrics to the latest rhythms and melodies of the current Roman hits. So, why no musos?

TRANSPORTATION: And what’s with the walking around? I realize limos, Land Cruisers and Lexus sedans were not available, but surely Jesus could have had a rather nice coach pulled by four white horses – perhaps with a tasteful, yet subtle, ministry logo on the side or where we’d hang a license plate. Heck, if today’s megachurch pastors can justify flying First-Class, why didn’t Jesus travel in the style appropriate to him? This is all so confusing.

CONFERENCES: I’ve searched the New Testament high and low and can’t find Jesus doing a single conference. Sure, it would seem he had a number of rather large unplanned events where thousands showed up, but by and large it seems he spent almost all of his time with a small group of people – pouring his life into theirs. And how did THAT work out for him? Think of what could have happened if he’d gathered all the rabbis together and spoke to them in one place. Just think of that!!

THE CROSS: Never mind.

So. Recognizing how busy most megachurch pastors are, I’ll humbly stop there. The rest of you might have some questions you want to add in the comments.

After the megachurch leaders are done with their mothers and brothers, perhaps they could drop by for a moment or two and explain things to us.

I wait with bated breathe.